OSCAR TRAVELLING

Human: Ciao Oscar, ready to go?
Oscar: ciao human, look how bad it’s raining!

Human: you look strange today... have you seen my suite case?
Oscar: listen, I have the need to get out of this house, I need to run happily in open spaces, I need to smell the grass and the flowers, I want to live in the world not to have to watch it passing by in front of my eyes by this window. This house is small, I feel enclosed in a box, I feel limited! I feel limited even from my own fur! Open the terrace door!

Human: sorry Oscar but I cannot let you go out, it’s raining cats and dogs today... sorry for that, I can tell you want to go out but if you do you will get all wet and you will have the cold again...
Oscar: human, could be the rain, could be the spring, it might be you making all this mess, it might be that you stored all your dirty fur and your stripped lair inside that thing but I feel all excited, I can tell you are all excited as well, i can see you running around here and there... please stop for a minute that i need to stretch on your leg!

Human: Oscar those are my socks not my jeans! OOOOUUUUCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!
Oscar: I am running to the dining room and hen I run back in the bed room and then I run to the bath room and then back to the dining room and back again to the bed room, I have lots of energies to waste today! I need someone to throw the ball for me or a mouse! Actually... Give me a female ccaaattttttt!!!!!! Now I am going to attack the post with the rope....

Human: do you feel the spring today? Mmm you are very strange today!! Hahaha! Come with me that I will give you some milk..
Oscar: sssttttooooopppppp!!!!!!! Have you talked about milk human? There you are, that it’s making me feel better already... you see? If commit yourself you are able to make me happy.

Human: so, suite case ready, cat carrier in position, harness and leash, cat food, water for the trip, blanket and toys. We are ready... I just need to clean up the litter box and we can leave, we are going to grandma. Are you happy my little tom cat, furry and a little fat, with moustaches but no to bad?
Oscar: excuse me human what have I done wrong? Why are you take away all my toys? And what about the litter box? And why is the carrier out and that thing that you put around my body and which I hate? Have you given me away or have you exchanged me for a dog?

Human: come over here, we put the harness around your body and we are set to go! Are you not excited!? We are going back home!!!!!
Oscar: Human I would love to avoid o embarrass you but... are you in love season? It’s the spring for you as well? How come are like that... so... happily stupid? Let me go, don’t make me spin in your arms! You know I don’t like it! My claws are extended and my tail straight and spread! The world is spinning, the world is turning!

Human: e come I know that you love it when I hold you high in my arms and I turn fast!!
Oscar: and I know how much you love it when I spray the all house with the milk which I just drunk! Get me down human, immediately!

Human: ready to go, harness and then inside the carrier!
Oscar: excuse me human but the harness isn’t for our time out in the terrace?! So why are you pushing me inside the cage?... and anyway I am not planning to get inside there!

Human: mmm you know what? You are right, you are a cat cattly nice and so who cares about the law, let’s be senseless, I will leave you free inside the car, let’s go.
Oscar: YEEESSS! Let go out! In my human arms like a kitten but the den has been finally opened! Let’s go!

Human: let me close the door, gas cooker secured, water closed, light shut, let’s go!
Oscar: oohhh can you feel all these smells around us? All these smell just outside our den! An old cat, a tramp cat, apparently is coming here to sleep during the night... if I catch him!!! And two dogs! One it’s that snotty female dog which observes me and laugh of me when I am at the window but the other one? What are you doing? Nnnoooo!!! I was smelling!

Human: come on, run! We are late already!
Oscar: you make me nervous, human! Smell, another smell here and another one over here! Come on, I need to know! Ooohhhh are you mad?! Let me down immediately, be careful you know, I am going to use my claws, I want to get down now! I can sniff smells, I can see things, I sense noises, I have to get down!

Human: come on! Every time the same story! Get inside the car, we are leaving!
Oscar: no please! Not inside there! There is a bad smell, strong noises, the world it’s running, the world it’s blue!

Human: there you are, good boy, get back, leash removed, we are leaving!
Oscar: slow! Go slow human! You are driving like a dog! Slow! And don’t you break all the sudden! Be careful to the turns! Come on! I feel like an hanging sausage back here! Sorry man but I need to hold myself with my claws...

Human: everything all right Oscar? Two minutes and we will be on the highway.
Oscar: Human, you are upset me... that’s it, I am going to sleep now...

Human: good boy my little Oscar, my little kitten, my sleepy head, go to sleep.
Oscar: honestly, you have no idea how much I hate when you talk like that! I beg for a little milk, I rub my self for a couple of croquettes, I crawl on the floor for a cuddle, I smell your product for love, I sleep together with you with patience, I come to your mom just for not leaving you alone and you reciprocate me like that? Why, after so many sacrifices, you are talking to me as if you were stupid? Shame on you! I am a feline! Your feline actually your feline owner! I said that, I couldn’t hold it any longer... I said that...

Human: my little kitty why are you miaowing? Cute kitty a little stressy? Sleep a little!
Oscar: I give up on you! I go to sleep... humans!

Human: dear Oscar the traffic it’s incredibly heavy... and with this rain...
Oscar: Human go to sleep, I am going to close my eyes as it makes me feel more secure...

Human: look at this stupid guy on his big car! Where do you want me to go?! We are all in a queue? What are you flashing me for, stupid?!
Oscar: Human I wouldn’t make you nervous but there is someone here close to me that it’s flashing, why?

Human: there it is, the missing link between humans and animals, overtaking us on the wrong side and sliding inside the safe space, hass... CCAAAARRRREEEEFFFUUUUULLLLL!!!!
Oscar: OOOHHHH MMMYYYYY GGOOOOODDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am flying!!!! Give me something to hold on to!!! My claws are all extended, give me something to hold on to!!!!!!!!! Here!!!!

Human: ң$%^&!ӣ$%^&*!!!!!!!! How come the mother of the stupid people is always pregnant!? ң$%^&!ӣ$%^&*!!!!!!!! Sorry Oscar but this stupid guy has cut through between me and the car in front of me and then he came to a grinding halt!!!!!! Are you alright?
Oscar: OOOHHH MYY GGOOOODDDDD!!!!! Don’t you dare doing it ever again human! I was asleep! I’ve just lost one of my nine lives from my lower parts.. oh my God! I ended up hanging from my forward paws! I have seen the face of my mom in front of me! I am going back to the rear of the car but I am feeling really bad!

Human: poor Oscar! I am so sorry, it wasn’t my fault! As soon as I can I will stop... the queue it’s moving again...
Oscar: I am so scared human! That was frightening! I am still shaking! I feel... I feel... I am... NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Human noooo!!!! I am so embarrassed! What a shame! I wee myself like a kitten! Sorry for that human but I was asleep and then i was flying! Sorry! What a shame!!! I spotted the car like a kitten!

Human: what is this smell?! Oscar have you wee?!
Oscar: Oh my god, he just realized... i am terribly ashamed! I sprayed all around while i was flying, cats are not meant to fly!

Human: poor Oscar you must have been really scared! Poor little cat! If i get that stupid driver in my hands I will break his knees!
Oscar: sorry Human, fear, lots of it... sorry... shame...

Human: Oscar I stop to the motorway cafè. I will cuddle you a little an then I clean a little... poor little you...
Oscar: please give a place where to hide... I want to disappear... sorry human...

Human: here we are. Stay there. Don’t worry. It’s all over...
Oscar: Human I honestly got scared of the most scare full moment of my life! I never been so stressed since the day that you took me away from my mom. My stomach it’s closed now, I don’t even feel like to drink milk... well actually that I could drink...

Human: come with me Oscar, I leave you here on this grass lawn tied up with the leash while i clean the car, poor little you. Here, water and croquettes.
Oscar: thanks human but i really don’t feel like to drink or eat, i just lay down over here a minute and i check on you.

Human: there you are, all done, lets go get something to eat for me now, try to be good in the cafè...
Oscar: excuse me human don’t you think that the humiliation of wee myself while flying was enough? Now you want me to do the show of the trained monkey at the leash?

Human: let’s see how do you behave between people...
Oscar: look how many humans in this place! Ooohhh there are also human cubs! Mmm I can smell food! Let me go down, i need to check! I need to smell!

Human: he is a Maine Coon, his name is Oscar, he is seven months old... bla bla bla bla I believe it was better to leave you in the car...
Oscar: excuse me human, are all these people your friends? Why are they touching me? They are leaving all kind of smells on my fur! Stop it please, I don’t want all to touch me! Human what are you eating? What about me? Just a little? Let me smell it? Stop caressing me, I am a very dangerous tiger trapped in a perfect small body!

Human: look at you! With all these people cuddling you! And when I try to cuddle you, you run away from me... do you want some ham?
Oscar: nice! More! Wait.. good boy come closer... I stamped this one as well... Human have you seen how many humans I have stamped with my cheek? They are all mine now... give me some more meat...

Human: Oscar to be in a motorway cafè with you it’s like to be with a VIP, everyone stopped me...first and last time...
Oscar: Human, listen, forget about all these friends of yours and let’s go, ok? Next time you can let me stay inside that moving box, I feel like I have all the smells of the world on my fur now...

Human: here we are, ready to go again, safety belts and go! Toward my beloved Liguria!
Oscar: Human I would go to sleep now, the stress have been enough for now, go slow and do not allow any other human inside a moving box with strong lights to get close to you...

Human: Oscar here we are! Chiavari! We are home, safe and sound and not thanking that stupid guy on the big car!
Oscar: Human I am hungry, wee wee, need to do stuff, discover new places, meet people, can we get out of this moving box?

Human: we are arrived! Let me knock at grandmas door! When they are asking who is at the door you have to miaow!!!!
Oscar: I knew it, he still thinks I am the trained monkey... how come I don’t know this place? Remind me of something... where are we?

Human: it’s us! Open the door!
Oscar: this is the voice of one of the female humans with grey fur! Those who are cuddling me and let me sleep with them but who did not want me in the beginning! Those who are spoiling me... not like you, human! They allow me to jump on the table and in the sink... when you are not home of course... CIAOOO!!! We are here!!! Food!!!

Human: did you wake up finally? Have recognised the place?
Oscar: ciaoooo!!!! I am here! I’ve got so scared today! Would you cuddle me? Look at the tail, can you see? Straight up with the tip turned, it means that I am happy to see you! Ciaooo!!! Where is my food...

Human: look at him, he woke up all the sudden! I believe he is hungry..
Oscar: how come there is no food? Food?If you don’t feed me i am going to jump on the TV!

Female humans: ciao Oscar come here! Let us cuddle you! Have you missed us!? Cuddles! Do you need to use the litter box? Are you thirsty? Do you want food?! Are you tired? What a nice long fur you have! You have grown even more! You are so heavy! Are yu hungry?
Human: ehm, excuse me, I am here as well... ehm, shall I come back later? If my presence disturb you guys I can come back later on..
Oscar: thanks thanks, cuddles, food, warm temperature, thanks thanks... come here human, in a minute it will be your turn... no please, don’t hug me to tight, don’t hold me only from my forward shoulders, my body has weight on the back as well... thanks thanks... yes I know I was very stressed... yes please, a little scratch over there as well... good... Human watch and learn how to treat properly us felines.

Female humans: come in Riccardo, dont’ remain by the door, come in! Did you have a nice trip? Was Oscar ok? Can you get the croquettes from the shelf? Have you reminded to bring his milk? And what about his toys?
Human: yes mom, ok untie, of course mom, certainly untie.
Oscar: I feel at the mercy of the events... do they do the same with you? I’ve just lost control of body and mind... they are demons!

Female humans: Riccardo go take a shower while we take care of the cat!
Oscar: feline, humans, feline! Human.... help?
Human: Ciao Oscar good luck...

SUNDAY MORNING

Oscar: ciao human! Good morning! Wake up! cuddles, food, fresh water, games, milk! The sun is shining, wake up, I am hungry!
Human: ciao Oscar... I am so tired, can you let me sleep a little more, please?

Oscar: WAKE UP!!!! Be careful that I am about to use my claws, you know! Come on, please, wake up! I am so bored! I’ve lost the mouse under the couch and the ball behind the closet!!!!
Human: Oscar I beg you! Five more minutes five, me nap... today’s Sunday!

Oscar: it’s not Sunday for my stomach, believe me human! In fact for my stomach it’s actually Monday morning! And can you see? I have checked with my paws, the water it’s not fresh anymore! Can you confirm?
Human: come on!!! You’ve got your paws all wet! How dare you coming to my bed all wet!!! Come on!!! I can’t hold this any more! I’ve got it, I have to stand up... what time is it? SEVEN O’CLOCK!!!!????!!!! Are you mad!? Ciao for now my friend! Come back for ten and not any earlier!!!!

Oscar: ciao human, can you feel how light I am? I’ve just done number two! An now I come next to you to have my morning bath, I will take care of my back and then we can go to eat. Can’t you feel this emptiness which formed in my stomach right here in the middle of my chest?
Human: come on! Why do you have to jump on my head? Please let me sleep! What is this smell? Nooo!!! That’s disgusting! Have you stepped on it?

Oscar: Human sorry for that but can you explain how can I cover it without using my paws? And can you explain me how can I avoid to step on it if I have to use a small and enclosed litter box? And can you tell me how can I turn inside there to be able to smell it without step on it? Do you smell it when you do it? I am telling you, it’s very important that you smell it, once you produce you have to smell it and check it and only once that operation it’s over you can finally cover it with litter... you don’t do it, right? I knew it... humans...
Human: Oscar what do you eat? You are filling up the room with this smell! Good boy, clean all well... how can you do that? Oh my god, that’s disgusting! And then you are complaining if the food it’s not fresh enough!?!

Oscar: excuse Human, it’s alright that we eat and and sleep together but... what about a little bit of privacy? Can’t you see that I am on my back with my legs spread? So why are you staring at me like that? And in particular, why are you staring at me over there? You are embarrassing me, human... can’t we maintain a respectful distance, please?
Human: ooohhh Oscar your willie has grown!!!! I have an “highly gifted” cat!!! At least one in the family.....

Oscar: there you are, I’ve lost my concentration... you are staring at me! Come on! That’s it, I am going to have my bath on the couch..
Human: I want to sleep!!! It’s eight in the morning!!!!!!

Oscar: DONE!!!! And now foooooddddd!!!
Human: I give up, you won, I am standing up. Come over here, I give you a kiss and I hold you a little in my arms.

Oscar: human how come you haven’t bath yet? I haven’t heard you going to the bath room... man you have a terrible breath... no, don’t you kiss me with that breath, noooo!!! The smell will remain on my fur! I’ve just bath myself!!!
Human: why don’t you want to remain in my arms? Milk?

Oscar: milk! And food and fresh water! And without the usual theatre of “stop Oscar, stay still!”, I really hate that, I cannot stand it any longer, I know that I have to stay still but I can’t be bothered to do so.
Human: stay still! Stay still or no milk for you! Good boy...

Oscar: sometimes you are so obvious... listen, while I am eating would you mind to clean up my litter box? I can smell it from here... thanks.
Human: ok, now you eat and drink while I fix your litter box, ok? Then I will take a shower.

Oscar: hehehe thank God that he hasn’t realised that I chewed the cable of the lighted box....
Human: OSSSCCCCAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oscar: ops.....

OSCAR HAS COLD

Human: ciao Oscar, you look a little tired today, what happened?
Oscar: by god huban! I feel so bad! I ab nod epen able do breath! Human: are you feeling bad? You are not your usual self, you are not energetic as always!
Oscar: ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! I ab dying! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: holly molly what a volley of sneezes! Have you got a little bit of fever?
Oscar: ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: hehehe Oscar you make me laugh! Can’t you just sneeze once? Oscar: lauph op be huban thad lader I will bake you gry! By god I peel so bad!
Human: do you want something to eat?
Oscar: pood! Led’s dry... bud I don’d really peel good...
Human: I think that I will prepare the fish chunks, the one you like the best, come with me..
Oscar: ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! You go ahead huban, pud everything in by bowl that I need do clean by pace pirsd...
Human: mmm Oscar you are not even eating today! Must to be serious! Shall I call the vet, what do you think?
Oscar: huban whad id is this thing you gape be? I ab aboud do die and you serbe be sobething without sbell? How cobe id sbells op nothing bud the dasde is op pish? Not epen you hape sbell, huban...
Human: i called the vet and she said that it’s better to wait and see how this cold progresses and eventually give you the medicine later on.
Oscar: huban doday I haven’d epen undersdand whad are you dalking aboud, blease sday close do be, cuddle be, hold be in your arms thad I ab so cold! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: oh poor Oscar! Did you really needed do get a cold before to climb in my arms? Come here, i will cuddle you.
Oscar: huban hold be dighd, led be keeb by head on your arb, keeb be warb. See? I ab eben purring do you eben ip by nose id’s blocked...
Human: Oscar! You amaze me! Yuo stay in my arms and you even purr to me! And you even struggle to do it! Anyway i wanted you to notice that you are loosing your snot on my sweater...
Oscar: huban are you aware that I lope you? You are keeping be so warb and you dake care of be, you keep my lidder box clean, you sleep widh be, you spend so bany hours with be and you bake be play, I lobe you so buch human, hold be dighd. ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: Oscar are you becoming sentimental? You licking my fingers! You are so cute! I would say that you are better when you are sick then when you are alright... hehehe Poor my little sweet Oscar!
Oscar: huban I would like do dry do dring by bilk but don’d you go away, I will be bagg soon. Acdually why don’d you gome with be just in gase I ged worsd?
Human: no, I don’t think that you have any fever, your ears are not hot. Good bot, try to drink something, it’s really good for you.
Oscar: ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: oh how lovely! A little spray of snot on the floor was exactly what was missing... anyway i can confirm that it’s transparent... hehehe
Oscar: huban and whad ip I die?? You are laupping bud whad ip I die? Will it ever pinish this uneasiness sensation thad perbeades be? This poor liddle peline slowly dragging himselp dowards his huban loogging por head and love will ever be able do pass the nighd alibe? ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: come Oscar, lets play a little so you have fun and forget about your cold.
Oscar: huban!!!! I ab exdrebely hill!!!! I’be jusd losd one op by nine libes and you would like do see be running around loogging por your little ball!? Heartless! ... where is id! Where did you dhrew it? ‘sdard you know dhad I cannod resisd do the ball or do the bouse thrown in the bed roob! There id is! Bine!
Human: look over there Oscar, a mouse in my slipper! Look how it moves!
Oscar: ooohhhhh! Sday sdill humna! Don’d move! I am going do catch id! Posidion adopded, forward paws low and unided, pase low on the ground, eyes aibing the slipper, by bagg high and ondulating, tail point moving slowly and ridmbigally, exacdly as by bubm dold be and then... addagg!!!!
Human: AAAARRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! Catched!! The monster in the slipper just got your tail!
Oscar: Oh by Goooddd!!!!! Run run run!!!!!!!!! I’ve god scared!!! By huban has been hid prob one op his usual schizophrenia addagg! He things do be the bonsder op the slipper! RUUNNN! Under the bed bepore he sdards to comb be!!!
Human: hahahaha Oscar you are a mith, you even expanded you tail! Hehehe now the slipper monster is going to cacth from under the bed!!!
Oscar: and I will call 911!!! Help! Cobe on! Sdop id! I ged scared when you do that! I ab nod cobing anyway! I know you jusd wand do comb be! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù!
Human: come on, come over here, I will just hold you tight and warm in my arms, I will not comb you today, I will just cuddle you a lot!
Oscar: thang you huban! Por this thing you’pe jusd deserved a piece op paradise pull op pussy cats in heat, very warb, rivers op pish chungs and juice and lakes of boundain bilk and prairies op couches.
Human: come with me on the bed, Oscar, come over here, let’s sleep together now...
Oscar: by huban, thangs por been bine, I would neper chage you with anybody else, not donight ad leasd... ppprrrrrrrr ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! ectiiùùù! pppppprrrrrrrrrrrr (purring)

LITTLE INJECTION FOR OSCAR

Oscar: human where are you going? Shall i come as well? Of course i do!
Human: come on Oscar, we are really late today, come over here.

Oscar: mmm.. why are you holding that thing? Are we going on the balcony?
Human: come over here so that i can put the harness on you, come over here!

Oscar: human listen to me please, for a feline is not really a reason of pride to go around with that thing around our bodies, i am not coming, that’s it!
Human: come on! Quick! We are late! Come to me baby!

Oscar: hey blue eyes! Have you ever seen a sabre tooth tiger with an harness!? And what about a jaguar? And so why should i show to all the neighbourhood an Oscar humiliated like that?
Human: there you are! Stay still now.

Oscar: you really make me nervous when you treat me like this! Can you see my claws? Can you? I am not going to use them only because i love you but morally i have just introduced them in your eyes!
Human: come on, if you stay still it will take less!

Oscar: human try to understand me, it is morally hurting for a feline to suffer this kind of treatment. Probably i could appeal myself to the international feline court of justice... actually tomorrow i will call the feline support line.
Human: there you are, good boy! Now just the leash and we are ready to go!

Oscar: and now i just lay on the floor! Now i lay down here and i won’t move anymore... in fact i will bite the leash... the leash on me! Are you mad!?
Human: come on don’t lay down! Come with me! Ok, i've got the message, i will have to carry you..

Oscar: Please! I really cannot allow you to show me in public with the harness and the leash and carried on your arms as well! I am not a puddle or a Chihuahua!!!!
Human: there you are, see how happy you are now? Why are you meowing?

Oscar: no, not out of the entrance door! No please! Everyone can see me!
Human: be quiet, i need to lock the door now! No, not the claws on my shirt!

Oscar: ma please! Where are you taking me? No, not on the street! This is shameful!
Human: be good now, Oscar, please.

Oscar: oohhhh there are a lot of smells out here! Aahhhh a dog! Help! This is the dog that lives underneath us! She is going to eat me!
Human: ciao Sophia, say hello to Oscar!

Oscar: stupid dog! Why do you wag the tail? Go away! No, stay way, felines and dogs cannot be friends!
Human: Oscar say hello to Sophia, come on, don’t be shy.

Oscar: why every day must be like an adventure with my human? Ciao Sophia, don’t do anything stupid otherwise i will tear your eyes off your stupid face, come over here and let me smell you...
Human: good! See you can get along with each other?

Oscar: good, i have paid my tax, i have met a dog, now let’s go home before i get pointed out as dog lover collaborationist by all the local feline community!
Human: say good bye to Sophia, we need to go now. Ciao Sophia!

Oscar: good bye miss, see you tomorrow from the balcony. Me, the cat, i will be the one with harness and leash, you, the dog, the free to move one... unbelievable!
Human: and now in the car and off we go!

Oscar: no! Not the car! I hate the noise and it moves a lot and i cannot relax at all, i need open spaces while in this moving box i feel closed, not the car!
Human: good boy! You got inside without help!

Oscar: that was absolutely not true! Good boy my... back! You putted me on board this moving box you forced me! Let me go in the back of this car... at least i will be able to see something!
Human: good boy, seat on top of the parcel shelf and don’t move, as usual.

Oscar: tight your safety belts, ready to take off, injection! Towards the closest puke!
Human: if you get car sick please let me know in time Oscar..

Oscar: and according to your Vulcanian logic how am i able to communicate it to you? Because it’s notorious that you understand the feline language in particular the Maine Coon dialect, correct human? Let’s try then.. I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!!
Human: wow! You are already starting to complain and i still have to start the engine!

Oscar: I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!!
Human: what a voice you’ve got today! Meow meow meow!!! hhahahaha

Oscar: I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!! I WANT TO GET OFF THE CAR!!!!!
Human: be nice, we are almost at destination, two minutes and we will be there...

Oscar: oohhh you stopped! Finally! How the hell are you driving?! I moved so much that i felt like i was hanging from the ceiling!
Human: see how fast we have been? Painless trip... get off the car now..

Oscar: i don’t know this place, you are not planning to leave me here alone, are you? Listen human, i think that i can easily stay here in the moving box waiting for you. You can go, i will be waiting for you right here...
Human: man! why it’s so difficult to deal with you today? Come on!

Oscar: no really, i am alright here, maybe if i remain here we will be quicker on going back to our place...
Human: come Oscar, get off the car!

Oscar: i don’t want to get off! I don’t know this place! I am not getting off!
Human: so i have to carry you again.. honestly you are so nice today!

Oscar: listen who talks, mister sympathy 2008! Wait a second i know this place! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This is the place of the mad human female! That one who did that unmentionable thing to back! That human who kept touching me!!!!
Human: here we are, almost ready, now we get in and in two minutes we go back home.

Oscar: come on! I don’t want to get in there! What have i done wrong? Now i am going to scratch you and then i go back to that human female who pet me and was playing with me and left me on the field without harness and leash or collar and i was together with my mom!
Human: good morning, this is Oscar, we are here for his vaccine.

Oscar: human have you seen that little kitten in the cage? He is without fur! And without moustaches! Looks like ET!
Human: look Oscar! A Devon Rex, how beautiful! It’s only three months old, it’s so shy! Come closer little kitty, don’t be shy, let me pet you!

Oscar: human don’t be too friendly to strangers... human... Humaannn!! Come on, pool yourself back together!
Human: Oscar what are you doing? Don’t use your claws on my trousers! Are you jealous? Oh finally it’s our turn...

Oscar: where are we going? I hope you are not planning to make me meet the same human female of the last time! Nnooooo!!!! It’s her again!
Human: ciao Sissi, here we are again, both of us.

Oscar: ciao human, this time you won’t joke me anymore, i am watching you closely...
Human: Oscar be good, ok? ... i will hold him.

Oscar: hehehe you both wanted to joke me but i am a feline.. i am smart by definition.. miss you positioned yourself behind me but i am already seat.... hehehe
Human: good boy Oscar, good boy...

Oscar: OOUUUUCCCHHHHHH!!!!!!! What the hell! Are you crazy or what! Human as soon you will let me go i will show her her place! unbelievable! She stung me! Are you crazy?! I have to stay still otherwise she might provoke farther damage! This is hurting, man!
Human: poor little Oscar, di it hurt a little? You are such a good boy, you did not even move!

Oscar: hurt a little my... back, human! Hurts and burns... hurt a little! Of course i don’t move! It hurts like that, can you image if i moved?
Human: done! All over now! We go back home!

Oscar: let me check, just in case... man it hurts! I keep licking but it still burns like hell... lick... lick...
Human: lick Oscar, lick so that the pain goes away!

Oscar: are you pulling my legs human? Keep joking and then i will make sure you don’t smile any more, trust me.. do you know the lighted box to which you dedicate so much time every day? hehehe
Human: here we are back in the car and then quickly home..

Oscar: nnnooo not in the moving box again!
Human: oh come on Oscar don’t always complain, i will give you some milk once home before i go back to work..

Oscar: milk!! I know that word! milk! It still hurts!
Human: we are home, handsome! Here is the milk! Ciao for now! Have a nice afternoon home!

VETERINARIAN

Hello human! I was waiting for you! See how happy I am to see you? I am rubbing up against you and then I scratch you with my claws on your legs.
Listen, I am very hungry! I don’t know if you noticed about it but yesterday evening my bowl was left empty and this morning when you woke up, after we played, while I was taking a private moment in my bathroom, you didn’t fill up the bowl with dry or wet food as you always do and as you can imagine, well, I’m now very hungry, very very hungry! Hungry like… a lion!
Ok, ok, you can hold me in your arms... but not for long because I am becoming extremely hungry and anyway I don’t like to be manipulated… no, look, you have mistaken direction! No no the kitchen where the bowl is its over there, this way we get to the dining room… excuse me human but I believe I did informed you, can’t you see that we are in the dining room? There you are! Good boy! Put me down and let’s go to the kitchen now!
Excuse me human, why have you got the travel bag in your hands? Not in the car no! I don’t like it! No no no! Here, I put my paws with my claws extended right in front of me; I am not going in there! I don’t like the car!
Blablablawawawablablabla!!!!! (human voice)
I didn’t want to get inside here! I don’t like it! It’s narrow! I am starving! I want to get out! As soon as I get out of here I will claw you all over! I cry!
We are getting out of our den! Oh what strange smells there were in that stair! What kind of dry food is used by these humans? Ooohhhhh and what was that noisy thing that just passed in front of us? Fear! I want to go back at home! No please! Come on i want to go back home! I don’t like this!
Come on the car no! I don’t like that either! Let me out of this bag at least! LET ME OUT!!! Look, I could stop loving you for much less then this! I am not talking to you any longer human! Actually not! Now i start to complain loudly until you get me back home! Back home!! BACK HOME!!!!

See? I did it! You stopped! And now we go back home... I will eat… then I will sleep and you go to hunt for me and I can sleep inside the sink…
Ehm… human why this place is so different from where our den is? Here the smells are different, I can’t smell the dog that lives underneath… mmm why are you going inside this place? Could you take me back please? Ooohhh what is this smell inside here? I can smell feline then dogs then I can sense the scent of illness and I can also hear feline and dogs complaining and look there, it’s another feline inside another travel bag! Human can’t you see that it’s ill? What kind of strange smells are in here? Can’t you smell it? It’s like the smell of the human which wets our floor but much stronger! Be careful that you might slip and fall!

Listen I would be tired now, I don’t handle novelties very well, I am starving, I am bored, let’s go home, come on! No listen, the door is over there, you are mistaking the direction… where are you taking me to?
Can you smell it?! It’s stronger here… there you are, good boy, let me out of here so that I can check around and then we can go home because I’m starving…
And who is this human female? She has a strange smell on her… why are you keeping me still? I need to smell all around. Hello human female, let me smell you, yes, good girl, the hand… no! Don’t take your hand away! I need to stroke my cheek on it! Yes, good, hand next to my face, perfect… what are you doing?! You’ve got my head in between your paws! Help! What an ugly face you have, naughty girl! Why are you coming close!? No, the mouth no! I am not opening it! OUCH! Come on leave my mouth alone! Disgusting! Your paws have a disgusting taste! Why are you palpating my neck? And on my head now? I don’t know why but when someone stays behind me and keeps me still I don’t feel comfortable... excuse me would you mind letting my head go? What are you doing? Not the nose no! She is blocking one nostril! Help i have only another one left! Breath breath breath! Pant pant pant! And now the other one! Breath breath breath! Pant pant pant! Come on! Let’s go human! I forgive you for this but let’s go! Come on! I won’t sleep in the sink any more, promise! And what is it that metal thing with the cord that goes to the female human head? She put it on my chset! HELP!!! (Oscar heart tun tuntun tun tuntun tun tuntun tun)
I don’t like it human, let’s go away! Ouch! Is that the way to behave?! What are you doing!? Human she is touching my stomach! Excuse me female human, not to be rude but I would like to go now, you know I have felines waiting for me, you see? Ok I leave now… no! Come on! Excuse me but would you leave my tail alone? Listen i would be of the id.. O my God! Human! She just touched my behind! Female human, honestly, I don’t believe it’s the case, we’ve just been introduced to each other! Hello! What are you doing!? Help! Human she is touching my family jewels! Your are a couple of perves! Unbelivable! One finger on my arse and two palpating my very private zones!
Human why are you showing your teeth? It’s definitely not a very funny situation! Would you like to change position with me? Would you like to have a ride as well? Yeah, good girl! Take your paws away; just in case I cover my back with my very tail... you never know... what are you doing now!? Not the tail again no! I don’t like to have you palpating me ag… OUCH!!! What the hell are you doing now?! No way! Things have to come out from there-they’re not meant to go inside my body!!! OUCH!!! Which kind of place is this?! Human you are in trouble now! I will slice you as soon we are out of here! Let me go! Take that stuff away from there immediately, now! NNOOOWWWW!!!
Human why did she plug it?! My production is less smelly then yours! I am tired, I am starving, I am scared and I have lost my virginity! I am desperate! I let myself die! I give up!...
Oohhhh thanks the Lord and the Heavens! She took everything away from me! Now I can relax! I will never be the same cat ever again… why are you checking my eyes? Of course I have tears! Do you think it was pleasureable? Would you like to have a ride with that thing in your back passage?
Yes… and now she stroking me… of course after wards we always need cuddles don’t we?... females!
I want to go back to my travel bag, let’s go back home please, I don’t like it here!
No way! What is that thing? I am not stepping on it! Help! Aaaahhh!! Mmm nothing happens... where is the trick here? What does 5kg means?
Good boy take me back home, thanks human, I am destroyed… bring me home, I love you… food!!!

OSCAR HATES VIDEOGAMES

Human: Hello guys, I have just logged into World of Warcraft, I am using the Warlock today, shall we set up a game? (speaking with some friends while playing online)
Oscar: human I’m staying here on the coach and take a little nap, don’t disturb me please.

After an unknown period of time which can easily go from an hour to three hours…

Human: guys, one more room and we will be at the final Boss!
Oscar: human excuse me but why are you ignoring me today?

Human: watch out on your right, there is an orc attacking me!
Oscar: human I am staring at you! Look into my eyes....

Human: ok guys, last room...
Oscar: human look at me, stare into my eyes, look deep into my eyes and do what I tell you to!

Human: watch out to the left! It’s getting too close, its coming straight at us!
Oscar: human now I am coming to you but I need your attention! And please shut these voices off, they are really starting to bother me now.

Human: oh man! we are all dead... let’s try again... never mind...
Oscar: I am under your chair human, I am coming up, I want your attention...

Human: ciao Oscar! Come here; come help me kill the baddy! Guys all of you say hi to my cat; he is going to help us kill the boss! .... Ciao! Ciao! Meoww! Ciao tomcat!
Oscar: what are all these voices? Mmm seems like you humans are able only to say Ciao! Here we are, good boy put your knee in position so I can jump easier, good boy. Here I am!

Human: nice one Oscar, good jump! Come here onto the cover under my screen, come.
Oscar: so now, my human loves when I press those keys randomly with the rear paws and when I lay down on his right arm, the position is a little uncomfortable but I can do it.

Human: no Oscar, come on! Be good for a second. There you are, I knew you were going to position yourself on my mouse arm… exactly what I needed...
Oscar: there you are human, bravo, stay still now. Actually no, move slowly with your arm that helps my sleep greatly… slow movement…

Human: sorry guys but I will be a little slower then usual, I have the cat right on my mouse arm...
Oscar: no, the position does not work, let me stretch a second and then I can turn, this way doesn’t work.

Human: o my God! Guys I can’t see anything! I have the cat right in front of my video! He is stretching, he is “arching”?! I am shooting randomly! Oscar I cannot see! Lay down!
Oscar: mmm let me see... why are you yelling? Are you stressed? If you keep acting like this I will end up stressed as well! No, I am not leaving, stay calm! I will stay here with you! Come closer so I can smell your nose so that I can express all of my love for you and make you happy.

Human: shit, I have the cat right in my face, I can’t see anything! How is it going? Are we going to make it this time?
Oscar: why are you moving? I really hate it when you move away from me human! Still! Nose to nose! It’s the rule! Like Eskimos! Stop; don’t push me away with your hand!

Human: ok guys, I am mobile again, cat emergency has ended for the moment.
Oscar: ok now, I will roll down here and take a nap, if you need me again just call me.

Human: sorry Oscar but I need to move your tail, it’s right on my keyboard, sorry.
Oscar: would you mind stopping? The tail has to hang from the table toward the floor, get your hands off my tail, now!

Human: YES! We did it! YES! The final boss is dead!
Oscar: o my God! What happened? Help! Where is danger!? Run!

Human: ops... sorry Oscar, I’ve got over excited... have I scared you? Guys we scared the cat with our yell of joy! hahahaha
Oscar: human are you stupid!? I have a weak heart! I am pure breed; it’s known that we are not as strong as street cats! O my God, because of the stress I could lose my fur! Let me have a control lick... and don’t come close to me! Naughty boy! I just wanted to keep you company!

Human: My little Oscar! Did I scare you a lot? My poor little dearest cat! He got very scared! Come; let me give you a kiss right on top of your head!
Oscar: is this human stupid or what?! Have you lost your brain at the table, human? How are you talking? No, no on my paws no! Why do you need to do that thing on my head?! It makes my brain vibrate! Let me go! Let me go! Man you stress me!

Human: my little dearest Oscar, come let me give you some milk!
Oscar: human, listen, that luminescent box is not good for you! Too many hours in front of that thing is not doing any good to your brain, trust me, now you can serve me the milk.

Human: here we are, now let me see how well you have learned the order “stay still”. Don’t move until I tell you.
Oscar: yes yes alright just give me the milk... why isn’t there any milk in my bowl?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: let me see?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: mmm I am still... let me see?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: I am very still! Let me see?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: ok now, I’ll sit here and I will not move until you give me the milk and see who will win!

Human: good boy Oscar, now that you are staying still, now you can drink!
Oscar: ahh ha! I have scared you, haven’t I? See that if I do that you give me the milk? Humans... you always have to blackmail them...

Human: and please don’t drink too fast otherwise you are going to chunder like a few days ago...
Oscar: human do you ever shut up? Couldn’t you have been a feline human?

Human: do you want fish tender chunks?
Oscar: Yyyeeeessssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love thooossseeeee!!!!!!!!! I want I want I waaaaant!!!!!!

Human: no I think that I will give those to you later on otherwise you will become as fat as a pig...
Oscar: so why are you asking for? Now I want them. I was not thinking at tender chunks but now that you put the idea in my head you have to give them to me, it’s the rule! Don’t give false hopes to the youngsters! Leave that to politicians…

Human: come with me, I’ll play one more hour then we will have dinner.
Oscar: are we going to play? Ball! Mouse!

Human: here I am guys, I am back, shall we do something else? I have an hour before I start to eat and then let the cat play for a while
Oscar: human the ball is here, next to my paw. Shall we play?

Human: ok guys, I’ll come with you, I am on follow...
Oscar: human! Can you please stop talking with that box? I am here! Human look at me! Stare in my eyes! I am watching you human! Ball!

Human: Oscar fetch the mouse!
Oscar: excuse me human, I am asking for the ball and you are throwing me the mouse? Are you following my eyes? Its called body language, can you understand? Straight tail with a curl on the top means a state of friendly attention while straight and still tail with the tip in movement like now means that the irritation it’s starting to come to the surface, get the ball and throw it in the other room!

Human: I don’t know why but I believe that you prefer the ball today... wait… look at the ball, look at the ball, fetch the ball!
Oscar: there you are! Good boy human, you finally got it! Fetch!!! BAAALLLLL!!

OSCAR WAS SICK, COULD IT BE A BOLUS OF HAIR?

Human: Ciao Oscar! I am back!
Oscar: Ciao human, you know what? I missed you.

Human: Ciao! How come you look a little down today?
Oscar: first I missed you a little and then I feel like a strange thing right here in the middle of my stomach.

Human: mmm I think there is something wrong with you... did you poop?
Oscar: there you are, good boy, hold me tight in your arms, today I really need it... why are you taking me to the litter box? Just smelling it is bothering me.

Human: this is strange; usually you run away from my arms, you never stay so long in my arms. Mmm no poop, with all that you have been eating you should have gone to the bathroom…
Oscar: can you smell it?! I feel like being sick just by been close to it!

Human: mah! Listen do you want some milk?
Oscar: well if I have to say it, I would really appreciate a little bit of milk, let me down please...

Human: stop! Stay still or I am not going to give you any milk! Stay still.
Oscar: now you are really bothering me with this “stay still” story... I perfectly know what you want but I won’t do it anyway... if you give me milk I will drink it, if you don’t want to put it there stop bothering me but forget about me staying still for you.

Human: stop! Stay still or I am not giving you any milk! Stay still.
Oscar: mmmm!!!!!! You even dared to put your hand on the back of my head! Listen, human, I already don’t feel very well if you also have this slaver attitude... Come on! Ok I am still, pour the liquid...

Human: good boy! There you are! Here, have you milk, my big obedient kitten!
Oscar: you can call someone else a kitten... feline please, feline, as the tigers! There it is, my milk! I have to say that the measure is quite…stingy, eh? Ah yes, I forgot, you are from Genova, not really known as generous!

Human: slowly, drink slowly, don’t gobble it all up! While I am here I‘ll prepare your tender chunks.
Oscar: stay still, drink slowly... who the hell do you think you are? By the way, what are you preparing for me today? Yesterday it was fish, today will be chicken... like the army ... today it’s Thursday, do we have dessert?

Human: there you are, a wonderful chicken is served! Do you like it?
Oscar: I knew it...

Human: look, just to make your food a little less boring I even got dry food with vegetables!
Oscar: Matters of fact felines are notorious vegetarians and anyway everyone knows that we love carrots... have I now become a rabbit? Look, I am at the top of the food chain, I am a predator, I am carnivorous! Powerful and very feared! We are the king of the jungle and of the savannah!

Human: here they are, you favourite dry food!
Oscar: Yummy” this dry food it’s really crunchy!

Human: I am going in the other room to check the pc; I need to see how my download is going.
Oscar: I will be there in a minute, let me finish here and I will be there with you.

Human: ahh here you are, was it good?
Oscar: yes yes not to bad, can’t you see? I am still licking my moustaches! Yummy! That new dry food was really lovely! But now I feel all dirty, wait, I seat on your table and i put myself between you and that evil machine and I will take a bath.

Human: why did you choose this place to take the bath?
Oscar: what do you mean, don’t you like it? Oohhh what it is that little white thing that moves in the blue background, bastard it disappeared behind the luminescent box, now I am coming to catch you...

Human: good boy, check behind the screen, hahaha
Oscar: what the hell are you laughing at? It was here, I saw it... wait, let me check on the floor...

Human: come here next to me Oscar, right here on the couch, let’s watch TV, the cartoons are on!
Oscar: I am not coming there, I rather stay on the pole with the rope and take a bath, I am not as filthy as you are!

Human: Oscar look the cartoons have just started! Look!
Oscar: why is that I always have to do what you say? I will watch it but from on top of the luminescent box.

Human: what are you doing on top of my TV?
Oscar: I am watching cartoons?!... Didn’t you tell me so? From here i can appreciate it better.

Human: come here next to me!
Oscar: human, I don’t know how to tell you this but I really don’t feel very well... I feel like I am going to… as if I… I need to go!

Human: where are you running? What a strange meow! What’s going on?
Oscar: human!! I feel like if I have to... o my God! I believe that the food should come out the other way and go in from this way! Watch out! Run! Quick!

Human: aahh now i got it! You need to go to the toilette!
Oscar: oh no! The litter box! What a terrible smell! I can’t resist!

Human: what are you doing? Let me see, you’re acting strangely today!
Oscar: ssggguuuaaassshhhhhhh!!!!! Oohhhh! Finally!

Human: come on! Why?! Not on my bathroom carpet!
Oscar: sorry... it was right in front of the litter box... I did not make it to there... and anyway the smell of this litter box it’s terrible! It did make me want to chunder!

Human: man I have to be patient! Do you really think it was really necessary? And do you really think it was the right place?
Oscar: no, i don’t think it was necessary, that milk was perfectly fine where it was together with the tender chunks and the dry food... and anyway I told you that I am not a vegetarian... wait... second wave coming! Clok clok clok sssgguuuaaassshhhhh!!!!!!!! Oohhhh I really am fine!

Human: come on! Why?! You’ve also been sick on the other bathroom carpet! You dirtied both of them!
Oscar: human, listen, can you tell me, according to you, where is the right place to do this kind of things? See? You don’t know either... so don’t get upset with me... and anyway now I am feeling much better... and anyway these carpets were filthy and they needed a good wash so just thank me. And also everyone knows that you need a new carpet for each wave…

Human: oh man! I told you to eat slowly!
Oscar: and I told you that I am not a vegetarian! Let me just scratch the floor so I cover everything... well it’s not my fault if the floor it’s so hard, I have tried...

Human: holly molly, how much did you eat?! Let me clean...
Oscar: excuse me human, why are you checking my vomit? What are you doing? You are fetching it!? Don’t even think about making me eat that stuff again! Oh my God another wave!!! False alarm! Do you think I am getting pregnant?! You know, from what that female dressed in green did to me the other day...

Human: come let’s put the carpets in the washing machine but please don’t step on it!
Oscar: I am going in the dining room to wait for you, be quick as I really need some sympathy…

Human: there you are, all clean again… man you are filthy… come here, let me see, are you still ill?
Oscar: if you keep complaining the next time I’ll wait for you to go to sleep... poor little me! Poor little Oscar! Poor little sick puppy! Watery eyes, low ears, low tail, sad expression, very silent... hello! Do I have to fall on the floor and start to hit the floor with my head to get some attention?!

Human: poor little you! Come here let me hold you in my arms, let me cuddle you!
Oscar: thank God, that was enough, hitting the floor wasn’t necessary… yes, good boy, right there… under my chin, good boy... on my neck, yes… ppuuurrrrrrrrrrrr