VETERINARIAN

Hello human! I was waiting for you! See how happy I am to see you? I am rubbing up against you and then I scratch you with my claws on your legs.
Listen, I am very hungry! I don’t know if you noticed about it but yesterday evening my bowl was left empty and this morning when you woke up, after we played, while I was taking a private moment in my bathroom, you didn’t fill up the bowl with dry or wet food as you always do and as you can imagine, well, I’m now very hungry, very very hungry! Hungry like… a lion!
Ok, ok, you can hold me in your arms... but not for long because I am becoming extremely hungry and anyway I don’t like to be manipulated… no, look, you have mistaken direction! No no the kitchen where the bowl is its over there, this way we get to the dining room… excuse me human but I believe I did informed you, can’t you see that we are in the dining room? There you are! Good boy! Put me down and let’s go to the kitchen now!
Excuse me human, why have you got the travel bag in your hands? Not in the car no! I don’t like it! No no no! Here, I put my paws with my claws extended right in front of me; I am not going in there! I don’t like the car!
Blablablawawawablablabla!!!!! (human voice)
I didn’t want to get inside here! I don’t like it! It’s narrow! I am starving! I want to get out! As soon as I get out of here I will claw you all over! I cry!
We are getting out of our den! Oh what strange smells there were in that stair! What kind of dry food is used by these humans? Ooohhhhh and what was that noisy thing that just passed in front of us? Fear! I want to go back at home! No please! Come on i want to go back home! I don’t like this!
Come on the car no! I don’t like that either! Let me out of this bag at least! LET ME OUT!!! Look, I could stop loving you for much less then this! I am not talking to you any longer human! Actually not! Now i start to complain loudly until you get me back home! Back home!! BACK HOME!!!!

See? I did it! You stopped! And now we go back home... I will eat… then I will sleep and you go to hunt for me and I can sleep inside the sink…
Ehm… human why this place is so different from where our den is? Here the smells are different, I can’t smell the dog that lives underneath… mmm why are you going inside this place? Could you take me back please? Ooohhh what is this smell inside here? I can smell feline then dogs then I can sense the scent of illness and I can also hear feline and dogs complaining and look there, it’s another feline inside another travel bag! Human can’t you see that it’s ill? What kind of strange smells are in here? Can’t you smell it? It’s like the smell of the human which wets our floor but much stronger! Be careful that you might slip and fall!

Listen I would be tired now, I don’t handle novelties very well, I am starving, I am bored, let’s go home, come on! No listen, the door is over there, you are mistaking the direction… where are you taking me to?
Can you smell it?! It’s stronger here… there you are, good boy, let me out of here so that I can check around and then we can go home because I’m starving…
And who is this human female? She has a strange smell on her… why are you keeping me still? I need to smell all around. Hello human female, let me smell you, yes, good girl, the hand… no! Don’t take your hand away! I need to stroke my cheek on it! Yes, good, hand next to my face, perfect… what are you doing?! You’ve got my head in between your paws! Help! What an ugly face you have, naughty girl! Why are you coming close!? No, the mouth no! I am not opening it! OUCH! Come on leave my mouth alone! Disgusting! Your paws have a disgusting taste! Why are you palpating my neck? And on my head now? I don’t know why but when someone stays behind me and keeps me still I don’t feel comfortable... excuse me would you mind letting my head go? What are you doing? Not the nose no! She is blocking one nostril! Help i have only another one left! Breath breath breath! Pant pant pant! And now the other one! Breath breath breath! Pant pant pant! Come on! Let’s go human! I forgive you for this but let’s go! Come on! I won’t sleep in the sink any more, promise! And what is it that metal thing with the cord that goes to the female human head? She put it on my chset! HELP!!! (Oscar heart tun tuntun tun tuntun tun tuntun tun)
I don’t like it human, let’s go away! Ouch! Is that the way to behave?! What are you doing!? Human she is touching my stomach! Excuse me female human, not to be rude but I would like to go now, you know I have felines waiting for me, you see? Ok I leave now… no! Come on! Excuse me but would you leave my tail alone? Listen i would be of the id.. O my God! Human! She just touched my behind! Female human, honestly, I don’t believe it’s the case, we’ve just been introduced to each other! Hello! What are you doing!? Help! Human she is touching my family jewels! Your are a couple of perves! Unbelivable! One finger on my arse and two palpating my very private zones!
Human why are you showing your teeth? It’s definitely not a very funny situation! Would you like to change position with me? Would you like to have a ride as well? Yeah, good girl! Take your paws away; just in case I cover my back with my very tail... you never know... what are you doing now!? Not the tail again no! I don’t like to have you palpating me ag… OUCH!!! What the hell are you doing now?! No way! Things have to come out from there-they’re not meant to go inside my body!!! OUCH!!! Which kind of place is this?! Human you are in trouble now! I will slice you as soon we are out of here! Let me go! Take that stuff away from there immediately, now! NNOOOWWWW!!!
Human why did she plug it?! My production is less smelly then yours! I am tired, I am starving, I am scared and I have lost my virginity! I am desperate! I let myself die! I give up!...
Oohhhh thanks the Lord and the Heavens! She took everything away from me! Now I can relax! I will never be the same cat ever again… why are you checking my eyes? Of course I have tears! Do you think it was pleasureable? Would you like to have a ride with that thing in your back passage?
Yes… and now she stroking me… of course after wards we always need cuddles don’t we?... females!
I want to go back to my travel bag, let’s go back home please, I don’t like it here!
No way! What is that thing? I am not stepping on it! Help! Aaaahhh!! Mmm nothing happens... where is the trick here? What does 5kg means?
Good boy take me back home, thanks human, I am destroyed… bring me home, I love you… food!!!

OSCAR HATES VIDEOGAMES

Human: Hello guys, I have just logged into World of Warcraft, I am using the Warlock today, shall we set up a game? (speaking with some friends while playing online)
Oscar: human I’m staying here on the coach and take a little nap, don’t disturb me please.

After an unknown period of time which can easily go from an hour to three hours…

Human: guys, one more room and we will be at the final Boss!
Oscar: human excuse me but why are you ignoring me today?

Human: watch out on your right, there is an orc attacking me!
Oscar: human I am staring at you! Look into my eyes....

Human: ok guys, last room...
Oscar: human look at me, stare into my eyes, look deep into my eyes and do what I tell you to!

Human: watch out to the left! It’s getting too close, its coming straight at us!
Oscar: human now I am coming to you but I need your attention! And please shut these voices off, they are really starting to bother me now.

Human: oh man! we are all dead... let’s try again... never mind...
Oscar: I am under your chair human, I am coming up, I want your attention...

Human: ciao Oscar! Come here; come help me kill the baddy! Guys all of you say hi to my cat; he is going to help us kill the boss! .... Ciao! Ciao! Meoww! Ciao tomcat!
Oscar: what are all these voices? Mmm seems like you humans are able only to say Ciao! Here we are, good boy put your knee in position so I can jump easier, good boy. Here I am!

Human: nice one Oscar, good jump! Come here onto the cover under my screen, come.
Oscar: so now, my human loves when I press those keys randomly with the rear paws and when I lay down on his right arm, the position is a little uncomfortable but I can do it.

Human: no Oscar, come on! Be good for a second. There you are, I knew you were going to position yourself on my mouse arm… exactly what I needed...
Oscar: there you are human, bravo, stay still now. Actually no, move slowly with your arm that helps my sleep greatly… slow movement…

Human: sorry guys but I will be a little slower then usual, I have the cat right on my mouse arm...
Oscar: no, the position does not work, let me stretch a second and then I can turn, this way doesn’t work.

Human: o my God! Guys I can’t see anything! I have the cat right in front of my video! He is stretching, he is “arching”?! I am shooting randomly! Oscar I cannot see! Lay down!
Oscar: mmm let me see... why are you yelling? Are you stressed? If you keep acting like this I will end up stressed as well! No, I am not leaving, stay calm! I will stay here with you! Come closer so I can smell your nose so that I can express all of my love for you and make you happy.

Human: shit, I have the cat right in my face, I can’t see anything! How is it going? Are we going to make it this time?
Oscar: why are you moving? I really hate it when you move away from me human! Still! Nose to nose! It’s the rule! Like Eskimos! Stop; don’t push me away with your hand!

Human: ok guys, I am mobile again, cat emergency has ended for the moment.
Oscar: ok now, I will roll down here and take a nap, if you need me again just call me.

Human: sorry Oscar but I need to move your tail, it’s right on my keyboard, sorry.
Oscar: would you mind stopping? The tail has to hang from the table toward the floor, get your hands off my tail, now!

Human: YES! We did it! YES! The final boss is dead!
Oscar: o my God! What happened? Help! Where is danger!? Run!

Human: ops... sorry Oscar, I’ve got over excited... have I scared you? Guys we scared the cat with our yell of joy! hahahaha
Oscar: human are you stupid!? I have a weak heart! I am pure breed; it’s known that we are not as strong as street cats! O my God, because of the stress I could lose my fur! Let me have a control lick... and don’t come close to me! Naughty boy! I just wanted to keep you company!

Human: My little Oscar! Did I scare you a lot? My poor little dearest cat! He got very scared! Come; let me give you a kiss right on top of your head!
Oscar: is this human stupid or what?! Have you lost your brain at the table, human? How are you talking? No, no on my paws no! Why do you need to do that thing on my head?! It makes my brain vibrate! Let me go! Let me go! Man you stress me!

Human: my little dearest Oscar, come let me give you some milk!
Oscar: human, listen, that luminescent box is not good for you! Too many hours in front of that thing is not doing any good to your brain, trust me, now you can serve me the milk.

Human: here we are, now let me see how well you have learned the order “stay still”. Don’t move until I tell you.
Oscar: yes yes alright just give me the milk... why isn’t there any milk in my bowl?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: let me see?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: mmm I am still... let me see?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: I am very still! Let me see?

Human: stay still! If you move there is no milk for you. Stay still!
Oscar: ok now, I’ll sit here and I will not move until you give me the milk and see who will win!

Human: good boy Oscar, now that you are staying still, now you can drink!
Oscar: ahh ha! I have scared you, haven’t I? See that if I do that you give me the milk? Humans... you always have to blackmail them...

Human: and please don’t drink too fast otherwise you are going to chunder like a few days ago...
Oscar: human do you ever shut up? Couldn’t you have been a feline human?

Human: do you want fish tender chunks?
Oscar: Yyyeeeessssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love thooossseeeee!!!!!!!!! I want I want I waaaaant!!!!!!

Human: no I think that I will give those to you later on otherwise you will become as fat as a pig...
Oscar: so why are you asking for? Now I want them. I was not thinking at tender chunks but now that you put the idea in my head you have to give them to me, it’s the rule! Don’t give false hopes to the youngsters! Leave that to politicians…

Human: come with me, I’ll play one more hour then we will have dinner.
Oscar: are we going to play? Ball! Mouse!

Human: here I am guys, I am back, shall we do something else? I have an hour before I start to eat and then let the cat play for a while
Oscar: human the ball is here, next to my paw. Shall we play?

Human: ok guys, I’ll come with you, I am on follow...
Oscar: human! Can you please stop talking with that box? I am here! Human look at me! Stare in my eyes! I am watching you human! Ball!

Human: Oscar fetch the mouse!
Oscar: excuse me human, I am asking for the ball and you are throwing me the mouse? Are you following my eyes? Its called body language, can you understand? Straight tail with a curl on the top means a state of friendly attention while straight and still tail with the tip in movement like now means that the irritation it’s starting to come to the surface, get the ball and throw it in the other room!

Human: I don’t know why but I believe that you prefer the ball today... wait… look at the ball, look at the ball, fetch the ball!
Oscar: there you are! Good boy human, you finally got it! Fetch!!! BAAALLLLL!!

OSCAR WAS SICK, COULD IT BE A BOLUS OF HAIR?

Human: Ciao Oscar! I am back!
Oscar: Ciao human, you know what? I missed you.

Human: Ciao! How come you look a little down today?
Oscar: first I missed you a little and then I feel like a strange thing right here in the middle of my stomach.

Human: mmm I think there is something wrong with you... did you poop?
Oscar: there you are, good boy, hold me tight in your arms, today I really need it... why are you taking me to the litter box? Just smelling it is bothering me.

Human: this is strange; usually you run away from my arms, you never stay so long in my arms. Mmm no poop, with all that you have been eating you should have gone to the bathroom…
Oscar: can you smell it?! I feel like being sick just by been close to it!

Human: mah! Listen do you want some milk?
Oscar: well if I have to say it, I would really appreciate a little bit of milk, let me down please...

Human: stop! Stay still or I am not going to give you any milk! Stay still.
Oscar: now you are really bothering me with this “stay still” story... I perfectly know what you want but I won’t do it anyway... if you give me milk I will drink it, if you don’t want to put it there stop bothering me but forget about me staying still for you.

Human: stop! Stay still or I am not giving you any milk! Stay still.
Oscar: mmmm!!!!!! You even dared to put your hand on the back of my head! Listen, human, I already don’t feel very well if you also have this slaver attitude... Come on! Ok I am still, pour the liquid...

Human: good boy! There you are! Here, have you milk, my big obedient kitten!
Oscar: you can call someone else a kitten... feline please, feline, as the tigers! There it is, my milk! I have to say that the measure is quite…stingy, eh? Ah yes, I forgot, you are from Genova, not really known as generous!

Human: slowly, drink slowly, don’t gobble it all up! While I am here I‘ll prepare your tender chunks.
Oscar: stay still, drink slowly... who the hell do you think you are? By the way, what are you preparing for me today? Yesterday it was fish, today will be chicken... like the army ... today it’s Thursday, do we have dessert?

Human: there you are, a wonderful chicken is served! Do you like it?
Oscar: I knew it...

Human: look, just to make your food a little less boring I even got dry food with vegetables!
Oscar: Matters of fact felines are notorious vegetarians and anyway everyone knows that we love carrots... have I now become a rabbit? Look, I am at the top of the food chain, I am a predator, I am carnivorous! Powerful and very feared! We are the king of the jungle and of the savannah!

Human: here they are, you favourite dry food!
Oscar: Yummy” this dry food it’s really crunchy!

Human: I am going in the other room to check the pc; I need to see how my download is going.
Oscar: I will be there in a minute, let me finish here and I will be there with you.

Human: ahh here you are, was it good?
Oscar: yes yes not to bad, can’t you see? I am still licking my moustaches! Yummy! That new dry food was really lovely! But now I feel all dirty, wait, I seat on your table and i put myself between you and that evil machine and I will take a bath.

Human: why did you choose this place to take the bath?
Oscar: what do you mean, don’t you like it? Oohhh what it is that little white thing that moves in the blue background, bastard it disappeared behind the luminescent box, now I am coming to catch you...

Human: good boy, check behind the screen, hahaha
Oscar: what the hell are you laughing at? It was here, I saw it... wait, let me check on the floor...

Human: come here next to me Oscar, right here on the couch, let’s watch TV, the cartoons are on!
Oscar: I am not coming there, I rather stay on the pole with the rope and take a bath, I am not as filthy as you are!

Human: Oscar look the cartoons have just started! Look!
Oscar: why is that I always have to do what you say? I will watch it but from on top of the luminescent box.

Human: what are you doing on top of my TV?
Oscar: I am watching cartoons?!... Didn’t you tell me so? From here i can appreciate it better.

Human: come here next to me!
Oscar: human, I don’t know how to tell you this but I really don’t feel very well... I feel like I am going to… as if I… I need to go!

Human: where are you running? What a strange meow! What’s going on?
Oscar: human!! I feel like if I have to... o my God! I believe that the food should come out the other way and go in from this way! Watch out! Run! Quick!

Human: aahh now i got it! You need to go to the toilette!
Oscar: oh no! The litter box! What a terrible smell! I can’t resist!

Human: what are you doing? Let me see, you’re acting strangely today!
Oscar: ssggguuuaaassshhhhhhh!!!!! Oohhhh! Finally!

Human: come on! Why?! Not on my bathroom carpet!
Oscar: sorry... it was right in front of the litter box... I did not make it to there... and anyway the smell of this litter box it’s terrible! It did make me want to chunder!

Human: man I have to be patient! Do you really think it was really necessary? And do you really think it was the right place?
Oscar: no, i don’t think it was necessary, that milk was perfectly fine where it was together with the tender chunks and the dry food... and anyway I told you that I am not a vegetarian... wait... second wave coming! Clok clok clok sssgguuuaaassshhhhh!!!!!!!! Oohhhh I really am fine!

Human: come on! Why?! You’ve also been sick on the other bathroom carpet! You dirtied both of them!
Oscar: human, listen, can you tell me, according to you, where is the right place to do this kind of things? See? You don’t know either... so don’t get upset with me... and anyway now I am feeling much better... and anyway these carpets were filthy and they needed a good wash so just thank me. And also everyone knows that you need a new carpet for each wave…

Human: oh man! I told you to eat slowly!
Oscar: and I told you that I am not a vegetarian! Let me just scratch the floor so I cover everything... well it’s not my fault if the floor it’s so hard, I have tried...

Human: holly molly, how much did you eat?! Let me clean...
Oscar: excuse me human, why are you checking my vomit? What are you doing? You are fetching it!? Don’t even think about making me eat that stuff again! Oh my God another wave!!! False alarm! Do you think I am getting pregnant?! You know, from what that female dressed in green did to me the other day...

Human: come let’s put the carpets in the washing machine but please don’t step on it!
Oscar: I am going in the dining room to wait for you, be quick as I really need some sympathy…

Human: there you are, all clean again… man you are filthy… come here, let me see, are you still ill?
Oscar: if you keep complaining the next time I’ll wait for you to go to sleep... poor little me! Poor little Oscar! Poor little sick puppy! Watery eyes, low ears, low tail, sad expression, very silent... hello! Do I have to fall on the floor and start to hit the floor with my head to get some attention?!

Human: poor little you! Come here let me hold you in my arms, let me cuddle you!
Oscar: thank God, that was enough, hitting the floor wasn’t necessary… yes, good boy, right there… under my chin, good boy... on my neck, yes… ppuuurrrrrrrrrrrr

HIGH NOON

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: Ciao human! Are you back from hunting?

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: Ciao to you too! Haven’t I already answered that?

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: human listen, I like you very much but don’t push it, ok? Ciao!

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: mmm he makes me so nervous when he does that! That’s it I am going to scratch my claws on the rope covered pole. He has been here only two minutes and he’s already bothering me... humans...

Human: were you asleep? You have such a silly face; you look like Yoda from Star Wars!
Oscar: listen who talks… Jabba! Listen I had a very busy and stressful morning, after you left I played a lot and I had just gone to sleep when the female human arrived, the one who wets all over the floor and run after me with her green noisy stick, she changed all my smells around the house, moved the furniture, took the carpet outside the window, in a nutshell, a complete mess. Then when she left I had to re scent all the house from the beginning again, throw the litter on the floor, put back the ball behind the closet and the mouse under the couch… a really awful morning…

Human: did you miss me?
Oscar: in reality yes but I will never let you understand that, I am a feline, I am independent by definition, you are my human, I don’t miss you, I miss the food you provide me. Look in my eyes… like that, good boy! Now you will do what I tell you to! Scracth me on my neck! And now under my chin! There you are! Good boy! You are getting better... ok that’s enough for now, now stop… food.

Human: come with me, I have to take my shoes and my jacket off, come with me and then I will give you something fresh to eat.
Oscar: no, not over there! Listen to me human, it’s quite a long time since you last changed my water and I like it fresh and clear, the dry food is the same as this morning, the tender chunks are long gone, the litter box needs to be cleaned and you are going in the other room? What are you doing? Aahhh! Help! He is changing his paws! Human please change your litter box because when you use it, leaves you with a terrible smell on your paws, no wonder you are changing them! Oh my God! This smell is umberable! I believe your paws are getting rotten! That’s more then enough for me, i am going to the kitchen to wait for you because i cannot remain here any longer...

Human: Oscar do you want din din? Do you want? Do you?
Oscar: human are you stupid or did you just went for a course to pretend you are? What do you think I am doing here next to the fridge? Am i wasting my time? Of course i want food! And the milk, don’t forget the milk!

Human: Oscar do you want din din? Do you want? Do you?
Oscar: but how is that?! Why are you so stupid? YYYEEESSS!!!!!! I want it!!!!!! Can you believe that I have to beg like this every single time!? Look human, if I wanted I could fetch my food directly from the woods, do you understand?! And not from the fridge! I am the nightmare to any mouse on this block, do you understand?!? And now open the fridge and give me my milk....

Human: Oscar what do you rather have first, milk, tender chunks or dry food?
Oscar: human, listen to what i say, think about it, do you really think it would make any difference to me? No really think about it for a second. Do I look finicky to you? I am a starving feline, you just start serving my food and that’s it! And anyway I already had the dry food available if I wanted it, tender chunks have finished not long ago so it’s only the milk left to give me, so milk it is!!! Decided!!!

Human: Oscar, what if I serve you first tender chunks so you finish it all right away and then I give you milk as dessert? It’s that ok? Happy bunny?
Oscar: so why are you asking me? If I had said tender chunks and then milk you would have served me milk first... listen I am not fussy, give me what you want before it gets dark, tender chunks it is then! But please give it to me!

Human: there you are! Eat slowly! Looks like you haven’t eaten for hours!
Oscar: matter of fact...

Human: don’t you have a bowl? Why do you have to take the food onto the floor? Can you tell me?!
Oscar: excuse me human, don’t you have a pot? So why do you have to bring the food to your plate and then to the table? Can you believe him?! You like to eat from the plate and I like to eat from the floor. Do you really think that I find mice inside bowls?

Human: come on! You have been on the table again! You know that you are not allowed to! And look at this; you have been eating my plant! What should I do with you?
Oscar: hehehe he noticed it... this human is not as stupid as he would appear! Listen human it’s the call of the wild and anyway don’t you like salad? By the way this rabbit chunks are really good, you could have giving it all to me, not just half of it, stingy!

Human: now I am going to have lunch. Yoghurt and cereals as usual at noon so maybe I will loose some weight.
Oscar: I love yogurt! I can smell it from here! May I could have some? Come on! I love it! Do it! I am stretching on your leg, now i am going to extend my claws, now i am pulling toward me, ouch!

Human: stop it! Keep your claws off me! Stay put!
Oscar: my friend, i am not a dog! Go and tell a dog to stay put! And give me the yoghurt..

Human: let’s go on the balcony.
Oscar: YESS!!! Lets go out! Today’s the day in which I will finally have that little bird that lives in the tree in front of my balcony, it will be a nice dessert..

Human: first of all we need to put on the harness and the leash otherwise you will jump off.
Oscar: come on! I am a feline! I hunt! I jump! I have nine lives! I am instinctive! If I see something moving I have the urge to use my claws on it! Try to understand me! And anyway how can I show myself to the other felines of this block with this thing around my body as a dog?! Oh pity me what an unbelievable shame!

Human: there you are, put your head here... that’s it now the leash... let’s go out...
Oscar: sometimes I wonder who is the more stupid, you or me for staying with you... can you see the dog underneath our balcony? She is looking at me and laughing! She does not have this harness around her body! What do you want!? Keep your eyes low, doggy! You are lucky that i am tight up! If I had the chance to come down there... and don’t you dare put yourself on your back and show us your pink stomach! A little bit of self esteem even if you are a dog!

Human: be careful! Do you really have to walk on the edge of the handrail!?
Oscar: listen human, I am a feline, I walk on handrails because it’s the most difficult place where to walk, I stay in impossible positions because I need to prove to you that I am a superior being, I jump from the floor to the handrail without falling underneath because I know how to do it and to give a good reason to be to my tail so now let me be a feline…

Human: what are you looking at? What did you see?
Oscar: absolutely nothing, silly, but I pretend just to make you wonder. So I enjoy watching you trying to see what you think that I have seen but that in reality I have never seen… I know it’s too difficult to understand but if you were a feline you would have understood immediately. How come humans are in charge of this world with no intelligence so… so… sub-feline? I’ve no idea…!!!

Human: come back in Oscar, I need to go back to work now.
Oscar: do I look like a feline that wants to go back in? Look at me I am on the handrail with only three paws! And look now! I pretend to jump underneath…

Human: what are you doing?! Get down immediately! Are you crazy!?
Oscar: hihihihi stupid human, you always fall for that joke... ahh you really know how to give a feline satisfaction!

Human: quick let’s go, I need to run, I am late already.
Oscar: wait.. don’t pull me.. and anyway why are you going back out to hunt? I like it when you are here with me. And don’t forget to take this thing off my body, thank you very much.

Human: there you are, you are free again now. Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: ciao human, thank you, now I’ll go to have lunch and then I will take my bath and then i will take a super nap. I’ll see you later, ciao. Wait I’ll jump on the window so i can see you leaving, ciao for now and come back soon... miiillkkkk I am ccooommiiiinnnggggggg!!!!!!!

WHEN THE HUMAN IS NOT AT HOME...

Good, my human has gone hunting for food, very good hehehe
So, first things first, food, let’s finish the food... it’s better now that my stomach is really full, let’s see what I can do… Ahh there you are! It wasn’t on the table that it was forbidden for me to climb? Yes? Very well then! Look human, i am on the table!
I cannot? So I bite your plant!
I cannot? So I lay down on top of it, stomach up!
What do you say? I cannot? You are right, I jump down the table immediately... I was only joking! Here I am back on the table human! And try to tell me off this time!
Oohhh and what my pupils are looking at? Isn’t that one the kitchen sink of which it’s even more forbidden then the table for me to go? Here we are on the kitchen sink!
Look at me human! My tail straight up in the air and me doing the Goose-Step like the Russians right on the edge of the kitchen sink!
What do you say? It’s forbidden? Very well then! So to make myself unseen ... here I am crawling!
What? I have to jump down? All right then, because the night has been tough and long and my stomach is full, my dear human, I will have to take a nap and you know where? Inside the kitchen sink! Yes, exactly where I am not suppose to go at all! And you know what? I even lick the faucet! That drop that comes from the faucet makes me go all funny! Look how well I am licking at your faucet human! Ppurrr ppuurrr

Who’s there? Who’s touching the door? Mmm the sun is not yet in the right position for my human to be here! Let me check… yes yes someone is really touching my door! Listen intruder, I… HELP!!! Somebody just opened the door! RUUNNN!!!!
Who could it be? Mmm let me check... I get there slowly and silently and from behind the door frame I just peak a little with one eye and I check who the intruder is… here we are... let’s see… it’s the female human! From the smell and noise, it’s a human female of the smell and the noise! The one who wets everywhere on the floor! The one who always gives me the special meat sticks that I love so much!
CIAOOO! I am here!!!
Get the meat sticks out please! Here I am! On the table, look! Yes right here on the table! Why are you showing me your teeth? There you are, scratch my neck… thank you and a little more to the right… yes yes yes and under my chin now… wait that I rub my face, I have to leave you my scent, there you are, good girl, show me your hand… perfect… stamped! Mine mine mine!!!!
Lovely these meat sticks! Now you can go so I can finish my meal…
NNOOOOOO!!!! The green noisy stick nnnooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What are you doing? Why? I just finished scattering the dry food on the floor and your green noisy stick is stealing them! COME ON!!! Let me see… HEEELP!!!! The green noisy stick is trying to eat my tail! HEEELP!!!! RRUUUNNNN!!!!!!
Here! Right under the kitchen counter, in my secret hideaway, my den from which I can observe everything and everybody…
Excuse me human, where are you going? No listen over there you will find my human den. No, seriously, you are not allowed there. Excuse me first let me hide what you are not allowed to see… I just hided my mouse toy under the covers…
Excuse me human now you are taking this too far! Listen are days that my human is trying to give the right shape to his den, you cannot just come here and destroy it! Come on!! Noooo!!! Out of the window nooo!!! Come on!! The night fur of my human no! You cannot touch that, it’s private! Ah thank God, she has left it on the floor, now I take it away with me just to be sure and I sit on top of it... again the green noisy stick! Human I take my human night fur to the safety of my secret hideaway before the green noisy stick eats me and the night fur…

What is this noise? Excuse me human, now you are exaggerating, you are touching my litter box! Look it took me hours of excavation to be able to cover all this space with my litter! And then to be able to take it out of the swinging door! No really put that green noises stick away! NNOOOOOO!!!!! But look at that! It’s eating also the litter on the floor!!! Thast’s it I give up, I am going to take a rest on the couch...

Helloooo!!??!! I don’t know if you noticed it but I was asleep! ASLEEEEPPP!!!!
Excuse me why are you taking my rope off the carpet? And why are you moving my furniture? Oohhhh and what is that thing behind the TV? Wait a second I can smell something strange behind here… there, it was my other mouse toy! And the ball!
Well done human, now throw the mouse so that I can go hunting!

Now I have enough, I am staying right here on the window, I cannot hold this any longer… this human is really annoying! And now what is this new entry? A stick with an enormous wet spider attached on one side! And the water, what a terrible smell!! Human listen be careful you cannot drink that smelly water, you know?
What are you doing? First you taking my litter off the floor and now you are wetting all over the floor? Come on!! That’s it I am going to bed, I cannot stay here any longer.. OUCH! WHAT THE HELL!!!!! I cannot walk! What did you put on the floor? It’s slippery! Ouch!! I cannot even run! Aahhh now i have aderene... careful, careful, CAREFUL! DOOR FRAMEEE!!! Come on! What did you put on the floor!
Let me jump on the bed so I will be safe.. here I am! What…!? Nooo again! I slipped again! careful, careful, CAREFUL! BED CORNER!!!!
That’s it I am way to tired... this cleaning program it’s really tiring me… I need to rest… all the smells are different and now I have to sniff all my territory from the beginning…
Human, please change this human female, she sticks her nose where she shouldn’t, she changes all the smells where they’ve always been and last but not least, she smells of dog, absolutely to avoid!

Good morning human!! Oscars’ Morning....

Come on! Wake up! Come on! It’s already daylight, I have seen the sun rising and I’ve already been hearing voices for a couple of hours! No, I am not crazy! The voices of the birds outside! Human please wake up that I am hungry and I really need to eat and when I eat I really, really need fresh water!

But, listen, could you please wake up? Human it’s already been an hour that I smell your face and I have to say that your breath it’s not interesting at all. Please? Okay, okay… I’ll go grab that mouse toy that you like so much then you can wake up and throw it for me and I’ll go fetch it and bring it back to you and you become an happy bunny and you finally give me some fresh food.

Look I am going to use my claws on your face! Come on wake up, lazy head!
Okay, now you are making me mad!!!! I will take it out on your bed sheets and it is your entire fault… ooohhhh!!!! What is that thing that moves under your covers?! Human wake up, or this could be dangerous!!! Ok, I will take care of this matter!

Blablablawawawablablabla!!!!!! (his human)

What are you going on about? I am sorry! I did not know those were your paws! You know that if you move then under the covers I cannot resist! Come on, I am going to purr at you so to make you happy!
Finally! Well done! Wakey wakey! Good... Now stand up! Stop! Now stay still so that I am able stretch myself on your leg, just to show you all my appreciation for you! There you are!
Good boy!

Blablablawawawablablabla!!!!!! (his human)

I know I have used my claws but that it’s part of the good morning ritual!
FOOD!!!!
Ooohhh! The thing with the water in the bottom opened! Wait, let me check first! Man you are dirty! I usually drink in here and you are using it instead of the litter box! Strange people these humans! Come on! What are you doing?! Noo!! Ehmm man you are smelly! Mmmm let me check... Which kind of dry food are you eating human to be so smelly? It’s impossible to resist! Look, I lay down here next to you waiting for you but you need to do something about your health because that smell means serious problems, stomach problems or food problems…
You know what? I feel like I need to go too so you can clean the litter and also I have more space for my dry food… and don’t go away because I can see you through the glass door of the litter box! There you are! All done! Look at me how light I am now! Now I run to my food!!
Good boy! Here you are! Look at me human, follow my lips, T E N D E R C H U N K S!!!!! Tender chunks are missing!!! No man! Not the fresh dry food, well, those as well, but I rather you focus on the tender chunks! Follow me human, follow my lips… C A N!!!
Open the cupboard!!! There you are! Good boy, you understood!! Eureka!!!
I have to say that I really need some good patience to tame a human like you, you know? But I have also to say that sometimes I get some satisfaction from it! Good boy! Exactly, in the clean bowl near my water bowl! Good boy! Good now you can leave me, thank you, and feel free to clean my litter box while I eat so that eventually after breakfast I can use it.
Human! Before you go to work, please, brush your teeth so that I don’t have to be ashamed of you and bath yourself and change your fur. You can leave your night fur on the bed so that I can use it to sleep after you leave, then you can go hunting while I rest… all night on watch checking for intruders in the house it’s really tiring… ciao for now my dear human and come back for lunch

Typical daily routine with Oscar

Oscar: My Cat
Me: Riccardo – His Owner, or maybe the other way ‘round!

4 am
Oscar: wake up human! I want to play! Puurrrrrr, purrrrr
Me: caress, caress, caress and then sleep sleep sleep

6 am
Oscar: wake up human! My caresses reserve is finished! I want to be stroked, to play and food and not necessarily in this order! Now!
Me: Feline sausage? Maine Coon stew? Raoasted cat with potatoes? I grab the mouse toy and I throw it randomly in the direction of the dining room and just after hearing the galloping in the same direction I fall again in slumber, in Morfeo’s arms.

7 am
Oscar: Wake up human! Poop, food, play, caresses, balcony door open!! Now!!
He starts to lick my face and my hair. In case I resist to such a torture he hits me with his paws in my face with a portion of claw exposed in proportion to the number of times he has to hit my face to obtain the required result
Me: I give up my sleep, with my hair ‘peacock tail’ style I stand up still all confused and half asleep and I direct myself to the bathroom, I pull up the lid and I sit (50% with the possibility of sitting on him, who has to check before and after, 50% that I am able to be faster of him. Standing I cannot pee, I really cannot, it’s impossible unless I want to give him a shower first thing in the morning every single day…). I brush my teeth, before the feline check out the tub and tooth brush area and when it’s all ok my little hairy friend goes into the litter igloo and he shows his unconditional love for me with a poop as big as a lions’. Once he’s done, he runs briskly and far lighter, usually in between my legs as the other 2 meters of space around us are definitely not usable. Happily he runs into the kitchen where his human must, I repeat must (!), get his dry food croquettes, half a pouch of tender chunks and a little bit of catmilk. At this time he completely loses any interest having completed his function and I can happily proceed to the cleaning of the litter igloo, because he likes to pee in a clean place. Once the litter igloo is clean he runs to it and he pees immediately, I clean again. While I am cleaning again he goes to fetch the mouse toy… 10 minutes of throw and fetch back then I have to get ready to go to work.

8 am
Oscar: Goodbye human, now you can go as I have to rest
Me: Goodbye Oscar, I am so tired, sorry but I have to leave you, I have to go to earn the food for the family.

12pm
Oscar: human where the hell have you been? Tender chunks and milk are finished, dry food is running dangerously low and litter igloo needs to be cleaned…
Me: hello to you too Oscar, sorry if I am a little late. I put again some more dry food but of different taste this time so he doesn’t get bored, I clean up the litter box and I finally have my lunch (it could be even raw onions but he has to have some, even a small tiny bit because my food tastes and smells always better then his)

1 pm
Oscar: Goodbye Human, now you can go as I need to rest.
Me: Goodbye Oscar, I will be back soon. Be good.

5.30 pm
Oscar: human I am getting bored on my own, I slept a lot! I am bored! Let’s play! Me: Oscar, may I take a shower? Ok, let’s play 10 minutes, 10, not more... 30 minutes later, at best, I finally reach the shower with a little less skin on my body than before... I get out of the shower and I try to grab the little hairy one who is trying to run into the shower (only a 50% chance!), in any case I tell him off but he answers me back badly. Then I prepare dinner while he is checking everything I do and whilst he finds it convenient to hang himself on my trousers with his open claws and so to my skin… After dinner I play for about an hour with Oscar then I dedicate some of my quality time to play online while he follows the mouse pointer or he sleeps on the desk where my pc screen is. It is known that the best place where to sleep for a cat in a 100 square meters house is on the mouse arm of his human… could be the slow motion movement?

12 am
Oscar: human go to sleep, it’s not healthy to play for such a long time. To take good care of you now I will start to attack your mouse controlling hand.
Me: I understand… I have to go to sleep… I start to change and get ready for bed but the cat it’s furious with me, because of course it’s my fault that I let him sleep on my moving arm for more then 3 hours, to punish me for the affront he starts attacking my slippers, feet, trousers, etc.. I proceed with one leg heavier then the other to the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I brush my teeth my hairy owner is checking on me. As he fights against the mighty foot, I try to reach (with one toe less), toward the toilet, I pull up the lid and I sit (I’ve already told you the story of my seated peeing!!)

12.20 am
Oscar: shall we play? Let’s play! Shall we play? Let’s play!
Me: I am tired, tired, very tired, even more tired than very tired!

1 am
Oscar: thanks for letting me play with you human, now you can go to sleep.
Me: thank God for making him tired! I crawl into my bed...

1.05 am
Oscar: Human! Be carefull! There is a monster that moves under the covers! Let me save you!!
Me: Ouch! Bloody hell!! My toe!! OUCH! Come on!! OOUUCCCHHHHH!!!! And so the cat flies through the room...

1.30 am
Oscar: Have you calmed down? Look I have done it for you, you know! I saved you from the mouse or whatever thing that was under your covers!
Me: sorry Oscar but you were really hurting me, come here that I’ll pet you a little! Ronf ronf ronf (purrs)

2 am
Oscar: goodnight human, sleep well, i go to check if there are any monsters in the rest of the house and if there is some food left for me.
Me: Ciao Oscar, good night

2.15 am
Oscar: Human! There was lots of food! And milk! I love you! (his face against mine, his heavy breath against my face, his moustache tickling my nose, his rough tongue on my lips) Ciao human, goodnight. Now I take a bath but I also check on you while you sleep so to make sure you are having a good night of sleep so I’ll sit right here on your head.
Me: Oscar please, you breath is terrible, you have just produced in the litter box and your behind it’s smelling like the Bombay sewage! Please don’t hold yourself with your claws on my face to clean yourself! No not even on my ear! Ciao goodnight, love you too, i have no idea how i could live without you! (smile)