HIGH NOON

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: Ciao human! Are you back from hunting?

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: Ciao to you too! Haven’t I already answered that?

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: human listen, I like you very much but don’t push it, ok? Ciao!

Human: Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: mmm he makes me so nervous when he does that! That’s it I am going to scratch my claws on the rope covered pole. He has been here only two minutes and he’s already bothering me... humans...

Human: were you asleep? You have such a silly face; you look like Yoda from Star Wars!
Oscar: listen who talks… Jabba! Listen I had a very busy and stressful morning, after you left I played a lot and I had just gone to sleep when the female human arrived, the one who wets all over the floor and run after me with her green noisy stick, she changed all my smells around the house, moved the furniture, took the carpet outside the window, in a nutshell, a complete mess. Then when she left I had to re scent all the house from the beginning again, throw the litter on the floor, put back the ball behind the closet and the mouse under the couch… a really awful morning…

Human: did you miss me?
Oscar: in reality yes but I will never let you understand that, I am a feline, I am independent by definition, you are my human, I don’t miss you, I miss the food you provide me. Look in my eyes… like that, good boy! Now you will do what I tell you to! Scracth me on my neck! And now under my chin! There you are! Good boy! You are getting better... ok that’s enough for now, now stop… food.

Human: come with me, I have to take my shoes and my jacket off, come with me and then I will give you something fresh to eat.
Oscar: no, not over there! Listen to me human, it’s quite a long time since you last changed my water and I like it fresh and clear, the dry food is the same as this morning, the tender chunks are long gone, the litter box needs to be cleaned and you are going in the other room? What are you doing? Aahhh! Help! He is changing his paws! Human please change your litter box because when you use it, leaves you with a terrible smell on your paws, no wonder you are changing them! Oh my God! This smell is umberable! I believe your paws are getting rotten! That’s more then enough for me, i am going to the kitchen to wait for you because i cannot remain here any longer...

Human: Oscar do you want din din? Do you want? Do you?
Oscar: human are you stupid or did you just went for a course to pretend you are? What do you think I am doing here next to the fridge? Am i wasting my time? Of course i want food! And the milk, don’t forget the milk!

Human: Oscar do you want din din? Do you want? Do you?
Oscar: but how is that?! Why are you so stupid? YYYEEESSS!!!!!! I want it!!!!!! Can you believe that I have to beg like this every single time!? Look human, if I wanted I could fetch my food directly from the woods, do you understand?! And not from the fridge! I am the nightmare to any mouse on this block, do you understand?!? And now open the fridge and give me my milk....

Human: Oscar what do you rather have first, milk, tender chunks or dry food?
Oscar: human, listen to what i say, think about it, do you really think it would make any difference to me? No really think about it for a second. Do I look finicky to you? I am a starving feline, you just start serving my food and that’s it! And anyway I already had the dry food available if I wanted it, tender chunks have finished not long ago so it’s only the milk left to give me, so milk it is!!! Decided!!!

Human: Oscar, what if I serve you first tender chunks so you finish it all right away and then I give you milk as dessert? It’s that ok? Happy bunny?
Oscar: so why are you asking me? If I had said tender chunks and then milk you would have served me milk first... listen I am not fussy, give me what you want before it gets dark, tender chunks it is then! But please give it to me!

Human: there you are! Eat slowly! Looks like you haven’t eaten for hours!
Oscar: matter of fact...

Human: don’t you have a bowl? Why do you have to take the food onto the floor? Can you tell me?!
Oscar: excuse me human, don’t you have a pot? So why do you have to bring the food to your plate and then to the table? Can you believe him?! You like to eat from the plate and I like to eat from the floor. Do you really think that I find mice inside bowls?

Human: come on! You have been on the table again! You know that you are not allowed to! And look at this; you have been eating my plant! What should I do with you?
Oscar: hehehe he noticed it... this human is not as stupid as he would appear! Listen human it’s the call of the wild and anyway don’t you like salad? By the way this rabbit chunks are really good, you could have giving it all to me, not just half of it, stingy!

Human: now I am going to have lunch. Yoghurt and cereals as usual at noon so maybe I will loose some weight.
Oscar: I love yogurt! I can smell it from here! May I could have some? Come on! I love it! Do it! I am stretching on your leg, now i am going to extend my claws, now i am pulling toward me, ouch!

Human: stop it! Keep your claws off me! Stay put!
Oscar: my friend, i am not a dog! Go and tell a dog to stay put! And give me the yoghurt..

Human: let’s go on the balcony.
Oscar: YESS!!! Lets go out! Today’s the day in which I will finally have that little bird that lives in the tree in front of my balcony, it will be a nice dessert..

Human: first of all we need to put on the harness and the leash otherwise you will jump off.
Oscar: come on! I am a feline! I hunt! I jump! I have nine lives! I am instinctive! If I see something moving I have the urge to use my claws on it! Try to understand me! And anyway how can I show myself to the other felines of this block with this thing around my body as a dog?! Oh pity me what an unbelievable shame!

Human: there you are, put your head here... that’s it now the leash... let’s go out...
Oscar: sometimes I wonder who is the more stupid, you or me for staying with you... can you see the dog underneath our balcony? She is looking at me and laughing! She does not have this harness around her body! What do you want!? Keep your eyes low, doggy! You are lucky that i am tight up! If I had the chance to come down there... and don’t you dare put yourself on your back and show us your pink stomach! A little bit of self esteem even if you are a dog!

Human: be careful! Do you really have to walk on the edge of the handrail!?
Oscar: listen human, I am a feline, I walk on handrails because it’s the most difficult place where to walk, I stay in impossible positions because I need to prove to you that I am a superior being, I jump from the floor to the handrail without falling underneath because I know how to do it and to give a good reason to be to my tail so now let me be a feline…

Human: what are you looking at? What did you see?
Oscar: absolutely nothing, silly, but I pretend just to make you wonder. So I enjoy watching you trying to see what you think that I have seen but that in reality I have never seen… I know it’s too difficult to understand but if you were a feline you would have understood immediately. How come humans are in charge of this world with no intelligence so… so… sub-feline? I’ve no idea…!!!

Human: come back in Oscar, I need to go back to work now.
Oscar: do I look like a feline that wants to go back in? Look at me I am on the handrail with only three paws! And look now! I pretend to jump underneath…

Human: what are you doing?! Get down immediately! Are you crazy!?
Oscar: hihihihi stupid human, you always fall for that joke... ahh you really know how to give a feline satisfaction!

Human: quick let’s go, I need to run, I am late already.
Oscar: wait.. don’t pull me.. and anyway why are you going back out to hunt? I like it when you are here with me. And don’t forget to take this thing off my body, thank you very much.

Human: there you are, you are free again now. Ciao Oscar!
Oscar: ciao human, thank you, now I’ll go to have lunch and then I will take my bath and then i will take a super nap. I’ll see you later, ciao. Wait I’ll jump on the window so i can see you leaving, ciao for now and come back soon... miiillkkkk I am ccooommiiiinnnggggggg!!!!!!!